Since I inspire an average of ZERO comments on my blog postings I have come to the following conclusion: either A) no one (besides Gina) reads this on the regs or B) I am just really boring. Whatever the case may be, I feel the need to step it up a bit. Just this once I am going to offer you full entry (sort of) into the soft folds of my inner sanctuary, aka, the boudoir.
Now, just because I am not currently entertaining any gentlemen callers (by choice, natch), does not mean that things are dullsville in between the sheets.
Okay. I'm lying. Things are a little tame. I sleep nightly with the Times crossword and a bowl of Whole Foods Morning O's nearby (If that isn't the best name for a cereal then I don't know what is. It would be awesome if they named their generic All-Bran cereal Morning Wood). See, ever since I arrived in LA, I haven't been sleeping so good. I typically wake up between 5 or 6 times a night and sometimes can't get back to sleep for an hour. So, I do my puzzle, munch on some easily digestable carbs, or ...drum role please...
Get lost in a tastefully illustrated manual on Tantric sex. Yup. Just because I'm not having my own "Morning O's" doesn't mean I've forgotten about the healing properties of some good ol' S-E-X. Actually, the woman whose apartment I am subletting right now is healer/reiki practitioner/yoga head who travels to Asia to lose herself in the esoteric spiritual realms. And she's a freak. I mean in a good, kind of enviable way. Her apartment has an overtly sexual vibe thanks to lots of "tasteful" nudie pics, soft lighting, nuanced textiles, and books on sex that are in within arms reach from the bed.
I once had a boyfriend give me a book on Taoist Sexual Practices and I was totally into it until I got to the chapter that instructed me to purchase a three inch wide marble egg and practice retaining it in my vagina. That, and the fact that my partner couldn't hold up his end of the bargain which was IN-jaculating instead of E-jaculating, meaning he was never supposed to, um, release any fluids.
But since I'm always open to new things, I figured it might benefit me to become familiar with the whole tantric system. It is rather difficult to understand let alone put into practice (with a one nite stand, heh) but I thought I might share with you the ten most fascinating/odd/confusing principles of tantric sex:
1.) The breasts on a women are supposed to have the same powerful sexual energy as a man's penis.
2.) It is recommended that a woman inserts the penis while it is still flaccid.
3.) Women are supposed to remain as still and motionless as possible during coitus.
4.) The vagina is a secondary organ to the breasts.
5.) Clitoral and G-spot orgasms are supposed to be AVOIDED.
6.) Friction of any sort deadens the vagina.
7.) Climaxing of any sort should NOT be the goal of sex.
8.) "Plugging in"(sex with a limp dick), is ideal for the generation of a superior, ecstatic female orgasm.
9.) Male or female ejaculation is not good for either party.
10.) This type of sex is supposed to be transformational on a soul level.
I'm not sure I'm buying this tantric stuff. How about you guys? Anyone? Besides Gina. (But don't stop commenting, G. I need you.)
Since I'm convalescing in a narcotic haze of percocet, I can say whatever I want. Tantric sex is for people with a lot of time on their hands. I mean, I guess if you're going to dedicate yourself to sex, this is the high road. Rather unlike a pedophile priesthood. So, how about a point-by-point rebuttal (no pun intended).
ReplyDelete1) so where does the woman insert the flaccid breast (see next point).
2) you're really going to deny 6 million years of evolution?
3) if she's seeking a quick divorce, agreed.
4) there's one vagina and two breasts. the math just doesn't work.
5) if he's seeking a quick divorce, agreed.
6) yes, but hopefully the rest of the body dies first. reminds me of my mom (how the hell did she get into this conversation?) warning me that if i changed the tv channel too often the control would break and i wouldn't be able to change it anymore. logic schmogic.
7) i get the whole "it's the journey not the destination" thing, but a journey without a destination is just aimless wandering.
8) is it in yet?
9) i think this should read *at* a party. and then it just depends on what kind of party.
10) i guess...
How do you pronounce your friend Gina's name? Sorry, was that too obvious?
wow pablitostar...that was probably the most entertaining point by point rebuttal i have ever read. i'm glad you kept your mother at a safe enough distance from your sexual stream of consciousness...almost.
ReplyDeletei am totally in agreement. if i'm having problems getting sufficiently prepared for a night of passion, i doubt stuffing a limp dick into my hot pocket is going to rouse it from its "frozen" state.
well done, my friend. well done.
hey is that a picture of you as a child???
ReplyDeleteNot trying to be creepy but you look alot like my lil sis (who is also libyan)